Here are some basic steps you can take to assist someone who may be in an abusive relationship.
Help your friend recognize the abuse. Ask questions and talk about what is happening to her/him. Help your friend to see that what is happening is not normal and to see the signs of abuse. Tell her/him that it will probably get worse.
Support your friend’s strength. Recognize the things that your friend does to take care of her/himself. Encourage your friend’s strength and courage. Encourage your friend to do things with you, and with other friends, to have some enjoyment apart from the relationship.
Be non-judgmental. Try to see that your friend is confused because s/he is frightened by the violence, but wants love and security from being with a girl/boyfriend or spouse.
Help your friend with safety plans. Help your friend focus on being safe. Help her/him use what s/he knows about particular resources and about the abuser’s patterns to figure out ways to be safe when the abuser is explosive or violent, or verbally or sexually abusive.
Be there. Listen. Even if your friend leaves the abuser and, then, goes back to her/him, be attentive and listen to your friend. Support her/his strengths. Your friend may leave with the support of friends.
If your friend breaks up with the abuser, keep up the support. It takes a while to get over a relationship that is violent. Keep in close contact through the times s/he feels lonely, or scared, or bad about her/himself. Your friend may feel like getting back together with their abuser. S/he may not feel strong enough to resist the pressure to get back together.
Help your friend talk to others to get help. Talk with your friend about telling trusted others about the abuse. Go with her/him to see a counselor or to enroll in a support group. If s/he won’t talk to anyone else, then you must find a trusted person with which to share this information.
If your friend becomes frightened or frustrated, get support from friends and family. Educate yourself about abusive relationships. You can’t rescue your friend. You can’t neglect your own life to take care of her/him. But with support for yourself, you can calmly hang in there and support your friend as s/he goes through the ups and downs of dealing with the violence in her/his own life.

Adapted from In Love and in Danger: A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships, by Barrie Levy. Published by Seal Press. ©1993-1998.
Iowa Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-942-0333